Break of Day or Good Morning to You Too!

Every moment has a story, every voice has a song, everyone wakes up and opens their eyes and views the world in their own way.

Hello, world .. my name is Cherryl Harris. I am 39, fixing to be 40, and I am female , I have 3 wonderful and beautiful loving children, I have been laid off since last April 2nd, 2004, I do eBay auctions, I create ideas, stories, things and things in my mind - on paper - on PC - on doodle pads, and I survive .. wait .. that's important .. I survive. In my own way as best as I know how. Me, Cherryl Harris, survives the ravages and roughness as best as I know how. I am a mature, adult, human being who used to have a lot of brass and balls, strength of character, morals, ethics and personality. I'm working on finding those strengths again. The balls would be ookies too. ::laugh::

When my world dims and life is lost there is only my own soul and spirit to hold accountable for the sorrows and joys I have caused and tried to hold/lose. No-one else will be there to hold my hand after the last heartbeat stops. Except me .. and possibly some God or Goddess I have not managed to offend with my neutrality and immoral morality? ::grin:: Maybe Bacchus, yes? In any case I can only do the best I can and hope that those who know me well understand me, keep me close and never kick me to the curb when I do not follow their persuasion / choice / ideas / ideal. I've been lucky and have friends and family who have been in my life for decades .. as close and distant as our needs be .. but always loving and caring even so. I try to return that as I can and try not to abuse my friendship and contact when things are only at their roughest, irregardless of how Jakky and Katie-did kick my tush for that ::winks and smiles::, but also to send a shout out "just 'cause" from my here and now.

I am not an automaton, I am not a pod person who is the same as anyone else, I cannot be. There can "be" only one. Me. Cherryl. Harris.

Every one of my friends and family and loved ones have their own "quirks" and "differences" and they are not wrong, or bad, or evil .. they just are and you try to "work it, girl ::snapping my finger in a Z formation and doing the *Neck* thing::" with them as best you can. Trying to understand as much as possible and asking/requesting when you don't.

I am so proud of the treasures that I have found in my life .. each one bringing to me many things .. even the past/lost ones because they have given me insights into portions of me I locked away. They have given to me the chance to lose the idealism of youth, of peace, of stationary settling for things that just happen without thought or care. "Non, Je ne Regrete Rien - Edith Piaf".. I do not regret .. however saddened I become or even embittered in some way by some thoughts or emotions I cannot understand within me.

I'm going to make it .. I am going to make it .. I think I can .. I think I can .. I think I can.

So there, world .. ::grinning as I stick out my tongue:: .. eat my shorts! And don't think to send the 3 Fates to tempt me to believe this is all there is for me .. I know it not, I feel it not.

Lost in Thought

I whisper.

It does no good.

I whimper.

It serves no purpose.

I wither.

It makes me less.

So what to do in lieu of the agony from the death and dearth of something that is beyond pain? Beyond tears or beyond memory itself? Bury myself in the flames, bury myself in the richness of lifes manure, turn asunder and burn my self and soul to ashes? Exist in no more than my own solid flesh .. "this too, too solid flesh" (understanding comes deeply to me regarding that line) .. and wait for its decay to match my own inner ennui?

I don't know the answer to that .. but I do know I don't cry .. today. I am thankful for all that I have been blessed with yesterday and today that is soon to end. Tomorrow .. hmm .. I know the sun will rise, my petals will unfurl and I will stretch .. reaching again to bask in the golden glory of a new day .. alone/together .. the me and me's within. Internal Sunflower Goddess .. external Silent Sister .. bound to none but herself .. as always.

Day and Night Dreams

I close my eyes and snuggle deep, squeezing my Teddy Bear - BJ - into my arms, or my pillow, or my coverlet all bunched up and wrapping my legs and body around them. Imagining I'm breathing in the scent of heated man, feeling a soft cotton t-shirt under my face and hands, large and comfortable, safe and solid. Real. And I'm not alone .. falling asleep .. just like I have been for three or four years .. possibly more .. all alone when I fall asleep. I try hard to imagine the warmth and love .. the only thing that keeps my nightmares away. Breathing deep, breathing evenly, my heart slowing its race, my eyes growing very heavy, my face and body flushed and wriggling more into that "sweet" spot .. and I fall away into darkness.

Into my hole. Where I am safe.

"I am all that was, that is, and that is yet to come"

"This is a quote found on an ancient shrine of Isis in Sais, Egypt. Sais is known today as Sa el-Hagar, and is located in Egypt's Delta. A similar quote can be found in the Christian Bible; Revelation 1:8 ... written significantly later than the one found on the shrine of Isis. The name Isis means "Mistress of the Throne". The hieroglyph representing her name also suggests she was "Queen of the Gods". The ancient Egyptians believed Isis was once a mortal woman, and depicted her in their art as both mortal and divine."

In the past I have felt - and been likened to - Goddess and Mortal intertwined. My womb, my soul, my immortality divine. I felt as comfortable in my own skin as any other .. and shed it when it was time with no regrets. I was Snake, Gemini .. capable of many things .. stellar and Galaxy riding in my glories. ::soft, soft laugh:: Mmm .. too bad I'm prolly the most fragile of the Snake signs. Maybe if I were more malleable like water or harder like metal or ravaging like fire or centered like earth my life, especially love, would have been a lot easier.

Unfortunately, I discovered recently that even though I have had the seeming of total powerful strength .. I am more vulnerable to the reality of life. And I hurt a lot easier than I ever knew I could .. once I opened myself up. And that I have pushed aside many people, good or bad, in my life because they came to close to my intimate self. I mean like partners .. not my family .. as with my spirit family we share a bond but the passion doesn't come into play to confuse me.

I'm ready to grow up a little more .. shake off my last skin and lather and bedeck myself in sunshine and sunflowers. I need a name for my Sunflower Goddess self .. anyone care to help me? ::soft laugh and a shrug::

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From: http://www.tuvy.com/entertainment/chinese_horoscope.htm

WOOD SNAKE Horoscope
Feb 4, 1905 to Jan 24, 1906

Feb 2, 1965 to Jan 20, 1966

Snake people enter a room and there is Music, Music, Joy! Everyone dances! Such high spirit! The Snake is so intense and passionate, just as likely to take out the castanets as to climb mountains of snow. Snake year people are charming and romantic, often planning delightful hideaway surprises. Possessing tremendous wisdom, they are deep, quiet thinkers, calm by nature, but most intense. They often get involved in great causes, bigger than life, and often serve as mentors to the young. To paraphrase Confucius, they have a kind of inner beauty that arises, hovers, then comes to nest. They will have an abundance of good fortune and a long and prosperous life.

Wood Snakes dream of success, fame, and fortune, but without really having the wherewithal to make things happen. Even though they are strongly career minded, they have trouble making goals and too many opportunities pass them by. Dreams of better jobs lead them into changing positions several times through their working years. Despite it all, life is good for the Wood Snake. They generally have good fortune and they have "abundance" through other means, such as good health, wonderful friends, strength of character, an elegant lifestyle, and resilient spirit. What about Romance? Hmmmm? Of all creatures, Wood Snakes are most in need of knowing how to tango (as in,"it takes two"to do so!). Relationships always have cracks. Snakes have to learn how to give a little and how to hold back in order to accommodate the needs of the partner as well as themselves. A stubborn streak and a tendency towards self-absorption make communication difficult. Through the cracks, flowers grow and when they do, Wood Snakes are very responsible and sensual lovers and beautiful to behold.

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More tomorrow. Definitely.
Cher has returned.
http://www.thetick.ws/wavs/lep3/lamancha.wav

"Accidentally in love .."

Yup. That's a song from the movie, Shrek 2. Every time I hear it lately, I cry. I'm not sure I was meant to fall in love with Shrek .. because I'm not just Fionna .. I've got Donkey's personality in me also. Nobody can love someone who doesn't fall into the norm or what is expected all the time, right? Yeah, I've done the mouth popping thing too. Till someone screams at me. ::grins and shrugs:: I profess to being totally immature and irritating - mmmm - some?

I'm trying to close myself off from humanity but it's not really working. I keep hoping that I can become that cold, emotionless, robot-like human I was before I met my boyfriend .. but I'm just not able to. I found this fountain of hope that keeps welling up from somewhere deep inside and I keep dog-paddling without the drowning sensation. Yeah, it's pretty bad and, yeah, I may not make it without a job very much longer but I keep sending out resumes.

I started dieting and working out now also. I've been cleaning up and out - pricing things for a garage sale, tossing things away or into a Goodwill bag. I'm trying to survive an avalanche with a mountain climbers attitude but a chain-smoking, comatose and disease infected life. So no matter how peppy "Mary Poppins" is there just ain't any dang sugar and the medicine tastes like feces. And not the good roasted kind. ::laugh::

More tomorrow. Definitely.

Cher has returned.

http://www.thetick.ws/wavs/lep3/lamancha.wav