~ Passionate, Fiery and Extroverted ~

So I was just checking out the Bon Jovi World Tour Kick-Off Concert and settled back to watch my most favorite bands and musician/singer in action .. and was amazed to see that though they are 20 years older they have near to the same show that they used to. Just more of a relaxed enthusiasm and excitement. Like a fire that "appears" to be tamed with this hint of danger .. a spark in its center that can rouse and burn and yearn. Hmm .. kinda like the Toby Keith song, "As Good as I Once Was" which contains the lyrics:

I ain't as good as I once was

I got a few years on me now

But there was a time

back in my prime

When I could really lay it down

And if you need some love tonight

Then I might have just enough

I ain't as good as I once was

But I'm as good once as I ever was

I'm the same age as those guys, Jon, Richie, Dave and Tico .. and I remember the passion that effused and enthused me back when I was a teenager asked to be backup for a couple of bands .. and then as a young woman budding into a ...... Mother. Hmmph. Welp, not quite as sexy being a "Mother" in comparison to being a "Hot Rock Chick".

Of course it's not all about sex, right? ::laughs and shrugs:: *Jakky - "Bite your tongue, Cher!"* I dunno .. I think I focused the 2nd stage of my life so much around my own personal pleasures and instant gratification successes that I lost sight of my "life" and "dreams" and "future". Who the hell cares if I wear a collar, if I write erotica, if I howl at the moon and flash my tits and ass at the world .. uh, welp .. maybe the last one I can seriously scratch off my list of wyld, uninhibited actions that used to be part of me.

Lately I keep looking back at the last 9 or more years ASD and wonder at my actions .. how many were selfish, most, and how many had anyone elses interests at heart, very little. I mean, don't get me wrong, I'm not a bad person and a pretty good Mother but how much better and successful, person and professional, could my life have been if I had focused, persevered and just "jumped off the cliff" .

Pfft, I talk so much shit sometimes but do I ever take my own advice? Do I ever just listen? Do I ever just listen and learn? Hell, do I ever just learn anymore?

I talked it over with BJ and I'm taking a hiatus from finding a job. I'm sick and tired of being rejected and more than sick and tired of having people tell me what a shithole I am for not finding a job. Can you believe that people would tell you that you are worthless because you can't find a job? NEVER in my life has it been as bad as it is now .. relying on support on others and I think I am going to place blame squarely on my diminished flame.

Yup. There on my shoulders, in my heart .. is a lump. It used to be this wyld ball of fire .. burning with savage joy .. ravaging my spirit with this incredible savoir faire .. allowing me to see alternate worlds and galaxies far beyond the ken of normal human scope. I used to be my own Super Hero .. my mind twisting, turning and twirling with the awesome speed and agility of a mental gymnast. I used to be Luminous and Goddess-like .. at the very least to myself ::giggle:: but my Blue Phoenix burned and my Silver Phoenix didn't reappear. Like it's rigid and cold and dead inside me .. except for it's voice .. and it whispers to me .. it sings to me .. and I can't sleep, I can't sleep. I grow so exhausted but I can't sleep.

I am so fucking restless, frustrated, frustrated, frustrated. But I can't find my focus in order to more forward. Maybe I'm worried and saddened about what/whom may be left behind? And maybe I feel some guilt too? I dunno .. the world is such a scary place and even though I'm 40 years old, survived some of the worst stuff some people can experience I still want to be that little girl with her thumb in her mouth .. hiding behind my Mommy's skirt, peeking between my Daddy's legs, held tight and warm in my Grandpa's huge arms. I sure miss him ..very badly. I wonder if he had lived if he could have helped guide me? Or would my respect, worship and love been diminished if I'd learned so many things the "family" let out after he died if they'd done it when he was alive? It's hard to believe such crappy things of a person who isn't there to defend his honor, reputation or life.

Blah. I'm done now .. took me the LONGEST time to spit all this out. Almost 2 hours as I watch the show and sit here. Sit here and sit here. Just crying, again. Just sighing, again. How weird is that?