Feeling better now ..

.. maybe the medication is wearing off. Or maybe it's the fact that we got back from the store just now buying food we can barely afford BUT we do have food for a nice meal anyway. AND some behemoth brainless bourgeoisie was in line behind me and Mac at the store when I messed up my debit thingy and the lady told me I didn't look too happy and how was I doing lately.

I've been shopping there for like 11 years now and she always asks about the kiddos and things. I think Jakky's met her once this past trip he made here. ANYway .. I tell her I still can't find a job and she asks if I had thought about working at Tom Thumb and told me how to go on the internet and where the local stores where. So I tell her thank you and start to turn away and she says hello and how are you to the cantakerous crotchety crab and he snaps at her and makes a smart-ass remark about how slow she was and how he wanted to make a complaint to the manager because he was in a hurry.

Uh, yeah.

So I go and get my change at the bank there - damn I hate having to get quarters to do laundry, grrr! - and walk back that-a-way to see him telling the manager what a slow and lazy so and so Michelle is. I just kinda chuckle to myself, write my name and number down on a piece of paper and handed - sorry, more like flourished it to the manager as I look this decidely dickless dud square in the eye and explain how she was so polite and nice and I've been a faithful shopper to this store, look up your credit card records, for 11 years now and she was trying to help me out since I had no job and needed a smile. The manager kind of looked him over and arched her brow as I smiled - ever so sweetly - and walked away.

Needless to say he grumbled out of there .. went out the other doorway and walked ALL the way around the parking lot because we were parked right next to his vehicle. ROFL! Ha. It takes only a minute for someone to decide if you're an angel or asshole .. which do you choose to be? Hmm .. I chose to be the asshole today myself.

Down with the MAN!

I thought about ..

.. getting upset, getting even, getting out, etc .. but .. I just don't feel up to it. I don't believe that I'm as important as others and that it shows.

Shut me out, shut me off and go away.

Classic.

Some things never seem to change.

~Without me the warriors of the world would not be as strong, I am the courage that fills their hearts.~

Brave, strong willed, loyal and passionateYou are a sprite of Fire. Full of passion, bravery and spice you are the living embodiment of fire. You are quite arrogant and think yourself above most but that is made up for by; your passionate ability to pursue your dreams, your strong will and your powerful well skilled ability for fighting. You are a natural leader, people are somewhat drawn to you and see you as someone to look up to but you only pay attention to them if they are useful, your equal or your superior. You are a very exciting person to be near for you have a vast love of
adventure and battle. Fire is a symbol of Passion if and when you choose to love you are capable of beautiful, long lasting, devoted love. You are quite wondrous!

.::=What type of Mythical Sprite are you?=::. -With Anime Pictures and detailed answers- brought to you by Quizilla

~ Passionate, Fiery and Extroverted ~

So I was just checking out the Bon Jovi World Tour Kick-Off Concert and settled back to watch my most favorite bands and musician/singer in action .. and was amazed to see that though they are 20 years older they have near to the same show that they used to. Just more of a relaxed enthusiasm and excitement. Like a fire that "appears" to be tamed with this hint of danger .. a spark in its center that can rouse and burn and yearn. Hmm .. kinda like the Toby Keith song, "As Good as I Once Was" which contains the lyrics:

I ain't as good as I once was

I got a few years on me now

But there was a time

back in my prime

When I could really lay it down

And if you need some love tonight

Then I might have just enough

I ain't as good as I once was

But I'm as good once as I ever was

I'm the same age as those guys, Jon, Richie, Dave and Tico .. and I remember the passion that effused and enthused me back when I was a teenager asked to be backup for a couple of bands .. and then as a young woman budding into a ...... Mother. Hmmph. Welp, not quite as sexy being a "Mother" in comparison to being a "Hot Rock Chick".

Of course it's not all about sex, right? ::laughs and shrugs:: *Jakky - "Bite your tongue, Cher!"* I dunno .. I think I focused the 2nd stage of my life so much around my own personal pleasures and instant gratification successes that I lost sight of my "life" and "dreams" and "future". Who the hell cares if I wear a collar, if I write erotica, if I howl at the moon and flash my tits and ass at the world .. uh, welp .. maybe the last one I can seriously scratch off my list of wyld, uninhibited actions that used to be part of me.

Lately I keep looking back at the last 9 or more years ASD and wonder at my actions .. how many were selfish, most, and how many had anyone elses interests at heart, very little. I mean, don't get me wrong, I'm not a bad person and a pretty good Mother but how much better and successful, person and professional, could my life have been if I had focused, persevered and just "jumped off the cliff" .

Pfft, I talk so much shit sometimes but do I ever take my own advice? Do I ever just listen? Do I ever just listen and learn? Hell, do I ever just learn anymore?

I talked it over with BJ and I'm taking a hiatus from finding a job. I'm sick and tired of being rejected and more than sick and tired of having people tell me what a shithole I am for not finding a job. Can you believe that people would tell you that you are worthless because you can't find a job? NEVER in my life has it been as bad as it is now .. relying on support on others and I think I am going to place blame squarely on my diminished flame.

Yup. There on my shoulders, in my heart .. is a lump. It used to be this wyld ball of fire .. burning with savage joy .. ravaging my spirit with this incredible savoir faire .. allowing me to see alternate worlds and galaxies far beyond the ken of normal human scope. I used to be my own Super Hero .. my mind twisting, turning and twirling with the awesome speed and agility of a mental gymnast. I used to be Luminous and Goddess-like .. at the very least to myself ::giggle:: but my Blue Phoenix burned and my Silver Phoenix didn't reappear. Like it's rigid and cold and dead inside me .. except for it's voice .. and it whispers to me .. it sings to me .. and I can't sleep, I can't sleep. I grow so exhausted but I can't sleep.

I am so fucking restless, frustrated, frustrated, frustrated. But I can't find my focus in order to more forward. Maybe I'm worried and saddened about what/whom may be left behind? And maybe I feel some guilt too? I dunno .. the world is such a scary place and even though I'm 40 years old, survived some of the worst stuff some people can experience I still want to be that little girl with her thumb in her mouth .. hiding behind my Mommy's skirt, peeking between my Daddy's legs, held tight and warm in my Grandpa's huge arms. I sure miss him ..very badly. I wonder if he had lived if he could have helped guide me? Or would my respect, worship and love been diminished if I'd learned so many things the "family" let out after he died if they'd done it when he was alive? It's hard to believe such crappy things of a person who isn't there to defend his honor, reputation or life.

Blah. I'm done now .. took me the LONGEST time to spit all this out. Almost 2 hours as I watch the show and sit here. Sit here and sit here. Just crying, again. Just sighing, again. How weird is that?