Unworthy ..

.. wow.  Isn't it crazy how you can be *this* person .. wyld, crazy, confident, positive, strong, logical, etc .. doing everything and anything to keep it together for you and your loved ones and then 1 single action or situation breaks down those sturdy hurricane proof walls you took years to build?

     And then sadly once you get it in your head that you are no longer worthy of good things you create this cycle that tells you to deserve it.  To do what you gotta do but it's just not going to get better than this.  And then weeks, months, years go by .. perpetuating your own stereotype under your facade of "everything's fine" until you hit a decade mark.

      You obliterate *that straw* and your life goes to shit and the blinders come off.  Every depressed moment, every "Oh you can handle it .. you're strong .. you never have anything you can't handle" dumps you into a burbling void of utter despair.  And with no end in sight .. possible cancer, poor health, broken bones, etc .. you say again to your self. "See .. I am unworthy.  The universe is telling me so."

      Yeah right.  Your loved ones bitch slap the holy hell out of you and straightens your head up and all of a sudden .. "Is that AIR?  Am I breathing?  Where did I freaking go?  What the seven hells is that sad, broken and lifeless shell around me?"  You decide to test the universe and ask it for answers and remind it, and yourself, that you ARE fucking worthy.

      That you are worthy and divine.

      And then .. there is .. light.

Weekly or Weakly?

One of the items on my LifeList is to write weekly blogs "faithfully" .. we'll see how this goes this time. 

I became disenchanted with writing, with emoting or allowing myself the freedom of verbal vomiting .. whichever the case may be .. many years ago.  Too many peoples negativity slamming into my emotional walls helping me to crumble beneath them.  No, not their fault, my own.

So, I start over again .. and again .. and again .. and that's all right.  Surviving through the minutae and momentous is nothing to feel small about.

Right now I'm glad to be breathing, to find out why I have been ill so many years, to be able to walk much better, sleep much better, live much better.  And very glad I have the most amazing children in the world who love me unconditionally .. even through all my medical woes.

That is more than enough to keep me waking up each day.