Let her cry ..

.. if the tears fall down like rain.

Odd to suddenly burst into tears .. an overwhelming assault of sorrow crushing me almost with its staggering depth. If it's someone I'm bonded to .. and you ever read this .. oh man, I am so sorry for your pain. This really, really is impacting me to the point of sobbing and altering me from the absolute joy I have been feeling for so much time now.

Where have you been all my life?

I fell in love .. a true, deep, forever and always and sincerely, madly, deeply kind of love.



Not with a person .. with a music group, with a band, with words said and unsaid, with a voice, with the energy and inertia of people I had no idea was there for nearly all my life and who I am feeling ultimately connected with until a few days ago. Bad Religion .. coming into my life as potent as dynamite and at a point when I was starting to feel my wheels spinning to a place I really didn't want to go.



Over the course of a few weeks one of the most amazing persons I have met in many many years has been sharing Bad Religion's music with me. From the first I *knew* it was meant to be *something* .. this emotional, spiritual and soulful love affair. This physically orgasmic burst of serendipity .. and this la cosa nostra with both man and music .. will work its way as it will and, regardless, it has been a life altering eperience.



Serendipity .. culpability .. immeasurability .. within my own little world. The implosion and explosion of sound and higher thought processing opening huge vistas I haven't explored in at least 10 years. Too caught up in the simple sentiment, too caught up in a tune, in the sound of voice .. too caught up to remember that, for me, music must be the whole world and more.



So, sadly, I must say goodbye to my teenage lullabies .. Bon Jovi will always be loved for the memories .. for speaking to me through the decades.



The future, though, is calling to me .. asking me to believe and achieve, to reach and reap .. and I'm growing so much more connected to myself .. to me .. not just to the me I share with everyone else but to the *me* that only a few know truly.



I find myself writing more, thinking more, feeling more, expressing more, loving more, angry more .. shredding aside the ennui that has laden my existence with its heaviness for many years .. buried beneath the conscious and subconscious knowledge of honestly being unwhole. Unhappy. Unknown.



I'm feeling successful as a Mom, as a Daughter, as a Sister, as a Friend, as a Co-worker and as a Lover. ::grin:: No .. I don't have a lover .. but .. I know when the time becomes right .. that I will be successful .. because something one of my work friends told me recently has found a place at the front of my choices for dating going forward, "Cherryl .. no more dating men to help save them from whatever issues they have. Find someone who knows who he is, knows who he was, can see who he will be and who is working to make himself better regardless of the shit that might be in the way. You just deserve it."



And I do .. and no matter how many times I was told that .. ::soft laugh:: I never listened. Stubborn little girl kicking up dust as I pouted and flounced .. thinking I knew what I needed. Sometimes others can see your needs better than you ever can .. so .. I've been open to suggestions, remembering they are suggestions, and am going to make life choices with "my" life in mind. Not just for today but for tomorrow and all the tomorrows I have left.



Yeah, yeah, yeah .. blah, blah, blah .. all empty words until you put it into play.



I'm doing it though .. rawking it .. reveling in it. Not gonna stop now .. never gonna stop.



"You know eternity can't ever change your mind."



~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~



"Before you die" by Bad Religion



Porcelain and alabaster, decaying ever faster,

Unaware of imminent disaster open up your eyes.



As you ruminate the hopeless sands of time,

Did you wander out your days lost and resigned?

Or recreate the universals in your mind?



Everybody is a bastard: my world is like plaster

Crumbling apart from the pressure of the blaster, waiting for a sign



And the momentary pleasures take their turn

As a wistful boy runs out of things to learn,

The episodes of yore are never to return.



Scare up some hope, you're gonna need it just to cope,

You are the decision, numbers don't lie,

When you bite the dust, was it for purpose or for trust?



You'll never relive it, think before you die.

Yeah, think! Think before you die.



Deficit and deprevation - in the wake of desperation,

Rewrite the morals, recitify the nation.

Now may be your time!



As you ruminate the hopeless sands of time,

Do you wonder how your life has been defined?

You know eternity can't ever change your mind.

You know eternity can't ever change your mind.



So think! Think before you die!

Yeah, think! Think before you die.