~Flutterby, Butterfly~

Tasting and testing the waters are two different entities. Lifting up the grey of the day to expose the light of a sunshine filled meadow on one hand and taking those first steps to wend your way upon the dewy grass .. bare feet lightly squelching as the fragrance of fresh rises to greet you.

Regardless of how things work out, regardless of the joy and sadness that is imbued within the reality of life it is the very fact that you took that initial movement and now begin dancing again. Feeling the vast array of what was, what is and what could be .. remembering with an open heart the music that was always with you in your days. No melancholy just .. nostalgia.

I love my Facebook playlists .. oh how I love them. As I build each song from the past I can capture, for that imperceptibly long moment, long ago memories. The sights rush to your mind of a teacher speaking before you in class - sonorous and intense, the sounds of your friends laughter as you race through the halls of school, the tastes of new things experimented with your adventurous spirit, the feeling of a t-shirt strained across your back as you mow a lawn in the Texas Hot and the smell of that same heat as it burns the asphalt of the street as you walk.

Walking everywhere, traipsing across the land as your mind visits all the nooks and crannies of imagination and expression. Walking that tightrope between childhood and adult .. balancing the physical you and the mental/emotional you.

Pain, the other sense, caused by the overcharged blast of every other imagineable emotion that the tumult of life cares to throw at you. How extraordinary to me now those emotions of a teenager! "Oh my gosh, my life is over!". "Oh my gosh, I am totally ruined!". "Oh my gosh .. no-one will ever understand what I am going through!", Oh my gosh this is the BEST day of my LIFE!" and so on .. and so on .. each ubiquitous statement shared by others yet each one is unique as to their passion, their own depths, their own conscious and unconsciousness.

I haven't ever really thought to miss those days .. so many were filled with things that are a part of me but I don't want to rule me as an adult .. but .. sometimes .. I think you have to yearn for those days, to try and grasp that teenagers effervescent soul and have it greet the one that is in charge of your heart today.

Mix and mingle the flavors of life in a new way again .. turn your world in a way so that circumstances and sights are seen from the various angles that they should be seen.

Been a long, long while ..

.. and so much time has passed. Different paths, different threads weaved into the weft of my lonely me. I'm not alone .. have wonderful awesome children, great spirit and blood family and close friends who have stayed my friends even through all the years of ups and downs.

I was sitting here today and thinking of why things haven't progressed as well as I had hoped they would have in my life before now and I came to the realization that it was pretty much because *I* had not progressed as well as I should have. I have this deep and never ending well of love, hope, faith and tenderness for others .. aquaintances not nearly so much as my children, family and friends .. but, yet, I started to wonder today .. do I have more love for even the slightest friend than I do me?

In my work I am comfortable and confident. I *know* that I can do whatever it is that needs to be done and can do it as cleanly, clearly and concisely as possible. Work became my sanctuary and took me away from the emotional aspect of myself. It took me away from the feelings of hopelessness in my past relationships. It took me away from the feeling of not being that "Betty Crocker" or "June Cleaver" type of Mom that people think that every Mother should be.

Now that I'm older and I look back on life .. I wouldn't change many "important" things because to do so would mean I would not have my beloved ones in my life. I am who I am because of the choices I made and yet also by the guidance of a hand and heart not my own. I am a wyld and fun and crazy and solemn and joyful and bright and sorrowful and dark and shy and sweet and stern and tough .. and tough .. and tough .. on the outside.

In the last week I have begun to feel the passion and sincere caring for me as an individual and for what I truly have to offer as a Mother and as a Partner and as a Child and as a Friend and as a Sibling.

In the last week I have striven to be less intense and solemn at work .. to understand that not everyone has the same work ethics, morals and perspicuity as me. I go to work, I do the best that I can and then I leave and do not stress over it anymore.

In the last week I met a man who sang to me my deepest desires, my wyldest imagings and showed me hope, respect and the possibility and potential that comes in the meeting of someone so in tune to you as a human being, a like soul .. a hungry heart. And I dove into those feelings and I imbued my spirit in the absolute brilliance of the joy at feeling a true woman again. I don't know that anything will come of it .. I seem to possibly have closed a door there .. but .. regardless .. he gave to me in a few nights time what I have never ever felt before.

Dreams of things I never dreamt in my entire life .. for a man, for me, for a future. And with those dreams came the opening of my little rose petal kisses to my heart .. and the ideas and ideals .. of the possibility of a true love, of a sincere love, of an unconditional love.

I was going to say even for someone as broken as me .. but .. I'm not broken. I never really was no matter what some people used to say. I am worthy of something beautiful and giving and receiving and pure .. and I'm so excited to see what the rest of my life holds .. its hard to contain it. So I won't .. I'll love those that are in my life as much as I can and as long as I can and as long as we have.

I will respect, honor, trust and have faith in them because I *know* they will do the same to / for me as well. I should have titled this one .. "A New Journey" but .. its okay .. I have plenty of days and words and life left to do so maybe next time?