Thinking on something I just said ..

" .. maybe it's okay to slip into mundaneness every once in a while like a secret vice that obliterates your personal sun and then lets it shine free when the hazy rain washes away the ignominy of reality."

I sit and suffer my own feelings of nothingness every day now. Sleep, work, eat, sleep work, eat .. with moments of clarity .. only moments .. that include my children, Mom, BJ and the slight touch of others. My deep rooted ennui has gone on for so long I hadn't realized it was still here.

Where is my inner joy and peace? What happened to the soul of me?

I feel it somewhere deep inside .. but can't seem to grasp it fully. Like a soft soothing blanket you'd had all your life .. the scent of you imbedded in the cloth forever, the stains of life creating intricate and amusing patterns and spots and every way you hold it/caress it/cover yourself with it .. is that perfect "sweet spot" that feels like no other. And this .. this I cannot grasp .. my mental fingers grip tight to the edges, to the trim .. that is left .. every razor sharp tear shearing pieces free to be lost in that undulating and ululating sea of ennui.

Be that as it may

And it came to me then that every plan is a tiny prayer of father time
As I stared at my shoes in the ICU that reeked of piss and 409
And I rationed my breathes as I said to myself that I'd already taken too much today
As each descending peak of the LCD took you a little farther away from me
Amongst the vending machines and year old magazines
In a place where we only say goodbye

It's done like a violent limp that out memories depend on a faulty camera in our minds
And I knew that you were truth I would rather lose than to have never lain in the sun at all

Then I looked around at all the eyes on the ground as the TV entertained itself
Cause there's no comfort in the waiting room just nervous paces bracing for bad news
Then the nurse comes round and everyone lifts their head
And I'm thinking of what Sarah said but love is watching someone die

So who's going to watch you die?

"Death Cab for Cutie - What Sara Said"